It’s official. Summer has arrived. And with it’s return comes the old warm weather staples: ice cream, water sports and MILFS. Yes, those ladies known as Mothers I’d Like to… well, you get the picture. Go to any local pool and you’ll witness this exotic creature in her natural environment. Strewn across the yellowing plastic strapped pool recliners, she lays in wait; a 30 plus mommy in a string bikini, perfect tan and a flock of gawkers that would peck the dirt from between her toes if only she would let them close enough. Oh, and not to forget the MILFS most essential defining accessory- her angelic children. The MILF remains the summer scourge of decent Mid-Western mothers and wandering-eyed fathers everywhere. And I secretly want to be one.
Why would someone aspire to MIlFdom? Well, according to an article in my latest Discover magazine, the keyword MILF ranks third among all sexual internet searches. MILFs are all the sudden a hot commodity. Doesn’t this research and the term itself portray women in a negative, and I’m not just talking about morning, light? Isn’t it almost like saying we moms are in a lower category separate from other “mateable” women? Yes to both. But sometimes it’s nice to receive a little recognition of your sexuality when you live in a world of dirty diapers, leaking breasts and burp cloths.
Becoming a MILF is a difficult task for most of us. There’s not too much that’s sexy about being a mom. Sure, sometimes a spaghetti stain obtained during a food fight looks tantalizing when it happens to draw attention to your breasts in a white shirt. But that’s about it. So to transform into a MILF, you have to mess with mother nature. Swimsuit selection is vital. Unfortunately, you can’t wear Spanx with a bikini, so a high waist and loads of underwire are necessary. Other manipulations help as well. My drag queen friend instructed me in college how to draw in cleavage and tape those breasts up so high that they look like a polar bear’s behind. I’m as white as a polar bear’s behind as well, so a spray tan is a must. Apply too much make-up and style some long flowing hair as final touches. Finally, put on heels that make your achilles ache for an arrow to relieve the pain, grab the kids and here comes sexy.
Transformation complete. I proudly limp to the crossover-that-everyone-calls-a-van and wrangle the tax deductions inside. Suddenly, a new aura overtakes me. It’s a man’s stare. My MILF super powers must be forming. I whip around, and ever so slightly scoot down my $10 gas station fake Ray Bans. Behind me I find an 80 year old man out for his morning walk. There’s no smile on his face. Only a weird forehead tic. Then it dawns on me. I don’t look like a MILF. I look like a Parisian whore. Flashbacks of the Great War have obviously frozen poor Mr. Greer in his tracks. He’s remembering Gigi, the old Lady of the Night that charged less then the younger ones because of her fake leg. Ah, those were the days. Needless to say, I do a run/fall/crawl back up the stairs and change back into my comfy fleece capris and a ratty tank.
Why couldn’t I pull off being the perfect MILF? Maybe I need to aspire to something different. I could totally be a MILK, aka Mom I’d Like to Kiss. Plus, MILK also explains why my breasts aren’t as perky as they once were. Ugh. Infants and their nutritional needs. I think we need other ILF groupings, too. Like FDILW- Funeral Director I’d Like to Whip. Or GILG- Grandma I’d to Grind. How about CILF for the clowns. Because everyone knows hot and sexy clowns need love too.
Perhaps I’m wrong in my definition of a MILF itself. It’s not about trying to be the hottest mom north of the local Asian massage parlor. It’s an attitude. Or maybe I’m completely inaccurate and the term is just another way of allowing ignorant men to define women according to their needs. Either way, the male species need to look at the mother’s body as what it is. Something that nourished life for ten months and continues to shape that life into a compassionate, intelligent human being. That’s kinda sexy too. I believe each mommy is a MILF in her own way, regardless of if they have 20 onlookers or just the one that you’ve been married to for 10 years that lies beside you snoring in bed every night.
