‘Tis the season for the quintessential American experience shared generation after generation: the high school class reunion. Where else can you go relive the horrors of pimples, first dates and bad breakups then with the 500 random people you happened to graduate with?
People go to their reunions for a wide variety of reasons. Some go to see old friends. Others go to relish in the downfall of their high school enemies. And then you have the few who just want to hook up with the hot girl from Mr. Smith’s English class. With my 20-year high school remembrance only two years away, I feel I must offer up some advice to reunion goers across this great land. May God watch over you as you enter into this possibly life changing- and liver eroding- endeavor.
1) First, start using wrinkle reduction creams now. I’ve keenly been anticipating my upcoming reunion for the past six years, thus having the foresight to start slathering retinol lotion on every portion of my body, including underarms, since I turned 30. After achieving flawless skin, take a whiskey shot for every time someone says you look the same as you did as a senior. Obviously, some of these people are lying. But if you use the special Chinese wrinkle cream with the high lead content, your mind might actually be damaged enough to truly believe these kind and flattering words.
2) Always serve punch at the main event. Who hasn’t spiked some sprite and ice-cream sludge before? Ok, I haven’t. But at your 20th high school reunion, forget the vodka. Most of your classmates have built up a tolerance to any alcohol you could put in that ladle. Instead, bring roofies to liven up the party. Your special night will be just like the movie The Hangover, but with many more participants and most likely, if you went to my high school, quadruple the amount of bodies to dispose of. Plus, what pornographic photos you’ll have to share on Facebook or sell to Hustler!
3) Ensure at least one night of the reunion is an alumni only event. Otherwise, your husband might be offended when I tell him “the story”. You know, the one where you and your boyfriend, Cal, enticed me to go cow tipping only to spend the night making noises that sounded like pigs going to slaughter on my fabric back seat. FYI- you still owe me for the spot remover. Husbands and wives really shouldn’t need to know our high school identities. Like most super hero alter egos, they should remain secret and only to be shared amongst fellow grads that either witnessed your extraordinary powers first hand, or heard the gossip from, well, me. And yes, I know what some of you have done in telephone booths, and it wasn’t changing into a cape.
4) Be super nice to those alumni who degraded you. You are the bigger person by forgiving. Then, get them drunk and have them spill the goods about their failing marriage, botched liposuction and juvenile delinquent kids. Nothing screams awesome reunion more then knowing the peeps that made high school hell for you are receiving a karma payback today.
5) Make out with your significant other in the back seat of your car after the reunion. Or purchase a roach infested room at a cheap hotel just like after junior prom, thus reliving high school memories. If you’re single, try to score with at least one teacher that attended the reunion, just because it’s not illegal or immoral when two old people do it. And it’s kinda cool.
So high school graduates, I wish you good luck and a great time with your old alcoholic classmates. If you have any fantastic advice for reunion goers, please let me know! Otherwise, remember the golden reunion rule: Party Like It’s 1999! Or 1991.